Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ryo (aka mopey) and my brain that won't turn off

(Something is wrong with Ryo. She had a pinched nerve in her back a while ago and I think the weather makes her uncomfortable, so she is very mopey as you can see in the picture. Therefore she'll be taking a break this week...and I'll take more than my share of the blog space.)

It's a strange thing in life to think that you've got everything figured out just to learn quickly that you're completely wrong. Then again, maybe you are right but now wrong by thinking you're right. Then again maybe you've never been right and never will be, but the point is try. Then again maybe you used to be right and you're getting closer to being right again, but not in the way you originally thought.......Throw in actual situations and life experiences into the wrongs and rights of this paragraph and you have what my brain has been juggling the past few days.

This is what happens when I do my homework! I was reading through a book for class called "Evil in Modern Thought" and my brain shot off on philosophical rabbit trail after philosophical rabbit trail. The main issue with this is I will get nothing out of it till I write it down, because the trail of logic is not at all simple in my mind. So have fun reading this!

The German philosopher Immanuel Kant believed/conceived/thunk that in the universe there is a rift between reason and nature, but that this rift is both a blessing and a curse. It is a sort of paradox. We have been made for nature and nature has been made for us. Nature follows natural laws that have logical, tangible, and quantitative orderly paths that we humans have been given the ability to decipher. This discovery gives us unmeasured pleasure and even some essence of purpose. However the tragic half of the story comes in to play in the infinite nature of...well nature. Man has the ability to reason and discover ALL that is logical, but he can never discover all that is logical because its infinite. HOW TRAGIC! To know that one has the ability to accomplish something, yet never will! This goes beyond a fear of failure, this is a problem of fulfillment. However Kant is a man who himself longed for hope, and this he gives to us at least a little. The joy of man is to reach for that which he can never attain. Just think of our fascination with superheroes! We long for that which we cannot be. Man longs to be great than he is; man longs to be God...Mind blown a bit right? Mine was. Especially with the connection that to a Christian the goal is to be "like Christ". We strive desperately to be that which God already told us we are not and cannot be.

(My mind has not had time to process the religious aspect of this thinking yet so moving on!)

My over thinking situations and life in general led me into depression. I saw little point and little hope in the everyday. The point of everyman is to procreate, love his family, and stimulate the economy. This is the agenda and the life path of everyman, but I as a human have been instilled with the desire to be more! I have been instilled with the desire to be a "superman", to be bigger, stronger, smarter, faster, and be able to accomplish any task set before me. For a while I felt I could do this. I could be a top student and athlete and musician and intellectual and friend and whatever else I wished because I had the ability to make anything I wanted an ability. Yet experience and life demanded of me that I must choose one thing and make that my ability. But nature says no, you cannot have that you reach for, you must only be happy in your pursuit of it.

So believing in this wisdom I set out to do so. I chose to focus my life around music as it was the only thing that seemed worth focusing on anymore. I chose to finally shut up, keep my head down, and do what needed to be done. I can think about it once the job is done and I have nothing else to do. This has worked for me for the past few months, but its starting not to. Through reason I have negated my ability to reason. I have allowed myself to become dull and stupid. My thoughts are only as deep as I am, because they focus on nothing else. I have repeated in my mind repeatedly the phrase "power through". Shut up and get it done, get to work. I still believe this is admirable and necessary for me to succeed and prove myself to myself alone, but there is still a problem. I have negated my lack of motivation not by creating a source of motivation, but by ignoring the lack of such a source. I have moved forward by driving on empty, breaking down, and then pushing the car hoping to hit a gas station soon.

Well the fact is I don't see a gas station ahead, and I don't even know if my car runs on gasoline or something else. Maybe it runs on Willie Nelson's bio-fuel or hamsters on wheels, I don't know yet. But I do know this, I cannot deny my brain higher thought! I cannot deny my tendency to over think. I cannot deny my human self its desire to know all, and never be able to. If I were rich and had a happy marriage and wonderful children and close friends, I could easily be miserable if I allowed myself to be okay with it all. Something can always be better.

My mom has been telling me for a while that I'm one of those people that always thinks "grass is greener on the other side." She couldn't be more right. I long for that which I cannot have, and when I have something its not as great as I had hoped. Unfortunately the same thing happens withing myself. I seek change in my own character and I am always dissatisfied with the outcome. Once I was more proud and I sought humility and my humility brought me apathy and insecurity. When I was eloquent and intellectual I sought simplicity and bliss through ignorance, they made me realize how much I loved the others. Now that my focus is music my brain longs for the challenge of the sciences and mathematics. NEVER before in my life have I said "man I kinda feel like taking Calculus again."

My only conclusion is that I need to strive again to be a superman even though reason tells me I cannot be. If reason has taught me anything as of late its that I should ignore it sometimes. In order to be happy I will allow myself again to be exceptional. In order for my music to thrive I need to be thinking about something else unrelated, that's just how it works for me. If everything is greener on the other side, then I need to be on all sides so that everything may be green.

If you read all this I'm impressed haha,
Matt (get better soon Ryo!)


  1. *pats head*

    I can give you some science stuff. :)

  2. Ryo peed on the floor while you were away at school today- guess she's looking for that greener grass too!!

    I have confidence in you Matt that you will figure all this out and if not, join the club, we are all still trying to figure this thing called life out.